Lost in a Process (Shannon's Song)

Means she's not even close.

Play the video and sing along, as long as you are alone, because you sing like ass. (Sorry, but you do suck.)

To the Melody of More 

than a Flailing Feeling.

I looked out this morning and the sun was gone
Did some gardening to start my day
I lost myself in a process
I closed my eyes the scope slipped away

I'm lost in a process, when I'm trying to get something done this way (lost in a process)
I begin dreaming (lost in a process)

'Till I see my Lee walk away
I see my old man walkin' away

So many people have come and gone
Their faces fade as the hours go by
Yet I still recall as I process on
As clear as the sun I'm almost done

I'm stuck in a process, where nothing ever gets done. (lost in a process)
I be there in a moment that's never going to come.

'Till I see Lee walk away
I see my old man walkin' away

When I'm tired and thinking cold
I start a monumental project, forget the day
And dream of a finish I used to know
I closed my eyes and I'm further away
The finish slipped away

I'm stuck in a process, where nothing ever gets done. (fucked by a process)
I'll be in, in a moment that's never going to come.

I'm further from finished than when I begun'Till I see Lee walk away
I see my old man walkin' away



Author's Note:

Yes, we all know our little Shannon, but what you may not know is if she was the Project Manager for the Great Pyramid of Giza, it would still be a 40 hour a week job for 20,000 people today!

Best Bum Practices Module 002

How to Steal a Backpack, you Idiot!

Module 001 Post Mortem

First, let's begin with a few minutes to absorb the lessons learned from way too recent events. We ran into a few problems in Module 001 which greatly interfered with our ability to apply proper BBP techniques. Let's review:

1. The fuckin automatic door!
2. Level of inebriation may have been tweaked a little above optimum. At best an ancillary issue, the primary failure was someone else's responsibility, as always.
3. Those fucking ”Creakers”. Where the fuck did they come from?

Okay, now flush these things completely from your memory (if you haven't already) because one thing a Bum never does is learn from their own or anyone else’s mistakes.

Ever!

Now, on with the new lesson plan:

Module 002, “How to steal a backpack, you idiot.”

I had a rough night, so you're all really lucky that I'm even here this morning at 2:40 in the afternoon. Normally, I'd be snuggled up in a filthy sleeping bag under a comfortable Army Corps of Engineers project, so you're all damn lucky to have me here.

STEP 1

It's going to be a long day, so let's begin with a smoke break. My head is still a little foggy from whatever particular chemical combo I imposed on my circulatory system last night, early this morning, and for breakfast about ten, no, make that eleven minutes ago. So, anyone got a smoke? Not a one of you? This must be the Honors class.

[Two hours and forty-five minutes later...]

STEP 2

Okay, that didn't go well. Who of you thought that a five foot four inch man in his eighties could throw a haymaker like that? I'm quite certain my jaw is broken in at least two places, and neither of them are good. How rude, yelling at me to “get a job” then to add insult to injury, he punched me while I was minding my own business rummaging through his pockets! Maybe, being the eleventh one to hit him up for a cigarette had something to do with his short ass fuse. Anyways, let's get back to the lesson… back to the lesson about (long pause) (class stares back equally blank) Definitely, the Honors class.

Fucking backpacks, you idiots!

STEP 3

If you all look behind you at your chairs you will notice something is missing. Clueless? The nine of you who owned them are missing your backpacks, which explained why I was the eleventh one out the door for the smoke break, you idiots!

STEP 4

Eject! Eject! Eject! Yourself from the classroom and run your ass off towards the door. Run! Fucking run! You're almost  there, man, almost there. Look back to make sure those backpacless bastards aren't in pursuit. They sure as hell are. Consider that carrying nine backpacks may be too many too… fucking late.

MIS-STEP 5

Take many, many, many blows, kicks, and a couple dislocations. Possibly one more broken bone, not a good one either. Eat some dirt mixed with vomit. Beef stew vomit. Bleed.

(Wail!)

Regain consciousness.

(Whimper!)

Educator's Syllabus Note: Get a head start next year before STEP 4.

(Purge All Educator's Syllabus Notes from Memory)

STEP 6

Crawl into a filthy sleeping bag under a comfortable Army Corps of Engineers project, you're damn lucky to be alive.

Recover, painfully.

STEP 7

Wake up to wracking withdrawal symptoms. Casually, grab the nearest bum's backpack.

Mission Accomplished!

STEP 8

Eject! Eject! Eject! Yourself from under the Army Corps of Engineers project and run your ass off towards the… towards the… Away. Run! Fucking run! You're almost  there, man, almost where?… Away, you idiot! Look back to make sure that backpacless bum bastard isn't in pursuit. He sure as hell is a fast one. Consider that you may be getting another beating way too… fucking soon.

STEP 9

Return to MIS-STEP 5.

STEP 10

Rinse, Lather, Repeat.

STEP 11

Consider that any idiot can steal a backpack, but it takes a fucking genius to keep one. Immediately flush that though from your memory. What thought? Yes, definitely the honors program.

STEP 12

Go check the Ace Hardware dumpster for broken jars of rubber cement.

Next…

Module 003: How to enjoy a weak end with inhalants (and weird animals).

Whoop, whizzle, oh, whoop, whaa, whoo...
Yeah, man, I could be President, too.You and me, Mr. Wubba, we're going to Washington DC.

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"Either way we're fucked."

The World in Words

Negotiating and Understanding HAFTA

One American Presidential candidate says, “We HAFTA have free trade exactly as the WTO dictates we HAFTA do it, because we HAFTA make America great again.”

The other candidate says, “I agree, and we HAFTA defend our partners overseas, so we HAFTA bomb more people to achieve peace. Remember HAFTA worlds out to destroy our Liberty. Counting me, but the Justice Department says, I can get out of jail free. You HAFTA love me.” Signed Hillary.

The American CEO says, “That sounds great to me but we HAFTA outsource all the labor to compete and we HAFTA slash benefits for every employee below me to support your campaigns but only if you HAFTA taxes on our profits, please.”

The Japanese engineer says, “We can make any product HAFTA size. I don’t even HAFTA squint my eyes.”

The Chinese production manager says, “We can make it for HAFTA rice and you HAFTA sell it for twice the price, but don’t touch it or it will leave you sterilized.”

The retailers around the world say, "We HAFTA close HAFTA locations and lay-off HAFTA employees to compete with the World Wide Web or our brand will lose demand and our stock options will drop dead."

The economist puts on a rosy pair of shades and says, "We’ll hire them all back by next year when we're outta’ the red, as part-time temps if the market improves, a miracle happens, and we're not in a full blown recession yet, or all dead from debt. Don't print that last part I said."

The trucker sitting at a diner off I-90 says, "I could make a living at this if diesel were HAFTA price." And a whole trucker chorus puts down their coffee cups at once and chimes in, "That would be nice.”

The manager shouts, "Keep it down in there! I HAFTA call my brother in Pakistan who’s wearing a suicide vest tonight, and it's so far from here I HAFTA dial twice. Jesus Christ!"

The North Korean prison camp laborer says, “I'll HAFTA cut sleeping to two hours you say because I HAFTA ship a million knock-offs to America by Friday.”

The Russian oligarch says, “I can make HAFTA delivery disappear. You'll HAFTA make call to Boris and Natasha, my dear. Is there any more vodka in here?”

The climate scientists in the Arctic says, “I froze HAFTA brain cells I have left to determine, absolutely, and for certain that we HAFTA cut our CO2 emissions or HAFTA planet will drown in the sea, increasing HAFTA solar reflectivity. Shh, keep that last part a secret, please.”

The research scientists says, "I HAFTA get a government grant to tell you if HAFTA glass is empty."

And the other one says, "I HAFTA get a government grant to tell you if HAFTA glass is full, debatably. Write that 7-digit check care of me."

The Pope says, "We HAFTA save the planet. It's all up to us. That's what Jesus said in Matthew 6:25, it's there, somewhere you’ll just HAFTA trust me on this. I'm speaking ex cathedra. Just kidding, but I'm really serious."

The Dalai Lama says, "He has so much compassion, I'll HAFTA blow that crazy Argentinean a kiss."

The Patriarch of the Orthodox Church says, "We HAFTA keep in touch more often, but we HAFTA find a better place to go. I can’t decide which is worse Castro or Guantanamo. You HAFTA gimme a call, and let me know.”

A homeless dude asks the three guys in silly hats as they walk by, "Hey, brothers, can you spare a dime or get me high?" But they all just keep walking. And Jesus looks down and says, "Now, that ain't right, you HAFTA do more works and less talking. One of these days their all gonna' HAFTA see the Light. Now, I HAFTA go see 'bout a call from a Pakistani guy. Weird, right?"

Fifteen-hundred miles away a Lakota man lights some sage and says, “I don't understand wašíču HAFTA the time they say they love me then take HAFTA land they promised by treaty. I suppose, as long as they leave HAFTA Social Security in our casino all I need understand, is that the Great Spirit has the winning hand. Go on, try your luck. You never know. Press the flashing button. You bet ten and you win! A buck. That's for the buffalo.

Many days travel across big waters, HAFTA continent of Europe says, “We HAFTA help these helpless refugees” while the others say, “We HAFTA stop these migrants in their tracks” Angela Merkel asks, “Who's gonna pay to send these poor people back?” The European Union says, "Der Bundesbank haben das moneysac. Veel HAFTA pay you back. Veel keep track."

Down in the Peloponnese, a distant descendant of Leonidas shakes his head and says, "I'll HAFTA sell more feta cheese to all these Persian chaps. Austerity sucks like bringing Spartan living back." Ain't that a laugh?

The Basque turns to his clansmen, which number twenty to twenty-five, and said, “We HAFTA have our independence to thrive just like the Irish tried.”

An Irishman shout across the English Channel, “You HAFTA be out of your fucking mind! Give us a whiskey, love; I HAFTA get pissed for the night.”

In a desert bunker outta sight, an ISIS recruiter cries, “Those who drink alcohol must die. You HAFTA wear this dynamite to kill the infidel who disagree with Allah or Muhammad to reach paradise. Here we'll HAFTA try it on for size. Now, As-salamu alaykum and good-bye.” 

This isn’t a rap, it's just a list of simple rhymes with the seed of truth inside. All that is hidden will HAFTA be revealed in time. Let's see what’s happened since the murderer committed “suicide” and burned his 21 victims alive... Weird, right? They did, now, you HAFTA see the light.

Back in the Land of the Free, the American working man says, “I'm only working HAFTA hours and I'm gonna’ HAFTA get another part-time job by next week. We haven't saved HAFTA money we need for our retirement."

His son says, “I can’t make HAFTA student loan payment this month even HAFTA I move back home. All this debt is fucking bent!”

His mom says, "Screw the government! It seems we can only afford HAFTA house, HAFTA kids, and HAFTA car my mother and father had."

Her father says, “You should kiss the flag and be glad. I HAFTA take a shit and an $8,000 pill or I can’t go without it. Now, I HAFTA sell the house and car to buy a camper with your mother by my side who can't remember my God-damn name HAFTA time.”

Her mother says, “Oh, my! Does that strange man HAFTA use such language at the dinner table? Ooh!, I've fallen and I can't get up! I'm just not able.”

People look at me and say, "I don't understand HAFTA shit he writes HAFTA time. I'm sure he's out of his mind HAFTA time, and I am being kind."

And I shrug my shoulders and say, "You HAFTA do your own research and check their math, then come back and tell me what you find. Otherwise, you're another walking talking blind. By the way, mind that pit it’s deep and it's wide."

A shout cries out across the countryside, "That's all bullshit! He's full of it!" Then IMF director leans back at his desk, clear his throat, and says, “We HAFTA keep them all drowning in debt. HAFTA clerk checked on our Korean prison profits, yet? We’ll take the gold. You keep the check.”

The Mexican worker says, “What the Hell! I HAFTA cross the border to survive.”

The Immigration officer says, “We HAFTA build a wall, make it a mile high.”

The old East German smiles and says, "Oh, now it's your turn to commit suicide. I HAFTA leave the country tonight. This country's going down the drain; all the leaders HAFTA be insane! Aufiderzein!"

And the Wall Street broker says, “You just HAFTA keep rolling those dice, HAFTA I take my little giant slice. Thanks for playing so nice. Oh, you lose my friend. You'll just HAFTA come and play again. Now, I HAFTA make my dinner date with all the Presidential candidates we’ll talk about the politics that will seal your fate. So long, suckers!”

Little people, mom and pops, worldwide pull out their empty pockets and cry, "I should never HAFTA trust those mother fuckers again!"

The politicians say, “We HAFTA fix the system we fixed again! There we put all those matters to an end. Your money is safe, you just HAFTA put it in like a good American. Yup, it's official, the fix is in."

And all those little people, mom and pops, and suckers around the world sing, “Thanks, we owe you guys and we HAFTA give you all an Amen!” 

Until it all happens again, the only question is when...

So, if someone says you HAFTA do something follow the reason to the root, if you find tyranny, monopoly, or slavery wearing a three-piece suit, all you HAFTA do is render them the single finger salute.

LIKE A GOOD AMERICAN

BAM Vol. 1

The End

(or is it just the beginning?)