The Homeless Academy

You're Totally Fucked!

Yes, you are Totally Fucked! You never saw the layoff coming, did you? Perhaps, you thought you were indispensable to your firm. If anything happened you could avoid the streets by falling back on your degree and highly marketable skill set. Hell, if the bottom dropped out, you could stay on top because you were you. Now, who are you?

Homelessness was something that happened to other people, in other places, dirty places that reeked of urine and Brute aftershave. A guy like you doesn't frequent places like that, unless you were scoring some coke and a discount hooker. The "Old Blow and Blow Combo" as you called it back then. One day, you made the big time and you didn't have to pay for your cocaine or your escorts anymore. Now, you recognize that shit was all on loan because you can't afford either. Don't worry about sex.... You're Totally Fucked!

You always figured, if all else failed, you could count on some miraculous act of a benevolent God. Right! (As if He owed YOU something.) Surely, all those times you fell asleep in church but still ponied up the twenty bucks would afford you a reprieve, a plea bargain, or maybe a voucher...something. But, no, this is the coup de grâce in a long line of miscalculations which landed you at your final destination. You have arrived... You're Totally Fucked!

Pass On The Penetration!

There's no way you want to be the bottom man in this giant ass raping pile, do you? Well, do you? Fuck no! So, put some taxpayer ass under your flesh torpedo and fire one. 

Now, is the time to accumulate massive amounts of student loan debt, which you have no intentions of repaying... because you will never be able to afford the fucking payments! They're HUGE!

By taking the initiative to fill out a few hundred forms, you'll be improving our balance sheet, committing perjury, AND you'll be getting some paybacks for the screwing you took in the 2008 Credit Crisis.

It's always some poor dumb schmuck, like you, who gets their chocolate starfish ravaged, but this time it will be different! You will have something to be proud of rather than a case of profuse rectal hemorrhaging. You will have to your credit an unaccredited degree from The Homeless Academy.
But wait there's more... You'll have your diploma scrawled on a dirty McDonald's napkin and you'll have some other poor bastards blood on your shank when he pays for those defaulted student loans you so recklessly took on! Now, that's paying it forward to somebody else in arrears!

It's a thing of ugly!

Mom will be Proud!

You're mother always knew that you would amount to nothing, and now she can be proud of how insightful she was and what a dumbfuck you are. It's all okay, it's for a good cause: You are living proof that survival of a species by natural selection has nothing to do with being the fittest. Life isn't fair because once in a while even the dumbest sperm makes it the egg first, and that's you. The miracle child who beat the other million or so sperm just in time to be a failure. That's rare!

Thankfully.

Look Ahead, You're Far Behind

Welcome to the dynamic, exciting, and life-threatening world of Homelessness, Vagrancy, Applied Theoretical Recreational Chemistry, and Allied Social Ills. We are certain that you have chosen the "mold standard" of poison ivy league academia. Not only will you be studying bleeding ledge technology from the privacy and comfort of your own public library or pirated WiFi signal, but you can cruise the porn of your preference by opening a second browser and minimizing it when that bitch librarian walks behind you in spite of your potent, pervasive, punishing social interaction shield odor you have in-stink-tively developed.

While some asshole though he was being cute when he said,

Here at The Homeless Academy, we say,

Now, that's wizz of wordom, that you can pee on, you peon! With credentials from The Homeless Academy, you're on the road to being on the streets.

Homelessness is Green

President Obama promised you a Green economy and he delivered with punitive credit terms. While the old economy (jobs) are turning Green with decay due to over fifty years of asinine government central planning, Soviet-style top down policies, misguided regulations, draconian bureaucrats, and under performing public schools… Now, you're living in a public park! That's fucking Green! 

Imagine The Homeless Academy as the dilapidated bathroom stall where you can expectorate your Green delusions. (Don’t try to use real imagination, just keep mumbling along with me.) We're all familiar with that "Reduce, Reuse, Recycle" horse shit. Fucking annoying, isn’t it? So, here at The Homeless Academy we realized in a recent drug induced psychosis that those three “R” words ain't half of the Green story babble. We have enhanced the meaning of Green by adding many more "R" words to that worn out tree-fuckers mantra…

• Relapse
• Re-fry
• Regurgitate
• Ripoff
• Rats...(Millions of huge fucking rats!)
• Re-offend
• Re-sentence
• Restitution
• Recover
• Repeat

That's ten "R" words Redefined (Make that eleven!) for the Green Revolution (an even dozen, my niggas!) You can almost hallucinate the planet healing in our homeless hands if you've got good shit. 

Truth be known, we're just fucking things up in new, why-are-less, immersive, sustainable (wink) ways than just about everyone else who came before us on the dead end timeline. Don't feel bad, they thought they were doing good stuff, too. But they were wrong, and so are we... but we're all turning Green and Green means go to The Homeless Academy ! Time is running out faster than your latest crop of exs.

We got Free Cell Phones, Bitches!

The citizens have spoken and the Feds immediately kowtowed to the fastest growing demographic group that can swing votes in the next election: Single Moms! They are all broke (just like you) and need to call their dealer (just like you) to get a fist full of Xanax (just like you). See, we can all relate to the pain and hardship of single moms, can't we?

So, you better get on the fucking free Obama phone and get me some fucking Xanies right fucking now, mother fucker, or I'm gonna call the cops and tell them you hit me! Oh, and change the baby. I'm watching Full House.

Yes, We Can… all relate. Can't we?

Technology Means Abusing Anti-Anxiety Meds

In the past, Homelessness lagged behind other career paths like Biotechnology, Engineering, TV/VCR repair, Druids, and even a goddamn psychologist made $15.50 an hour. That was making bank compared to us! Well, I’m here to tell you, “That was then, and this is the same shit later.” In the digital revolution, Homelessness was merging onto a bristling new superhighway in an under-powered dumpster, an under-powered dumpster with a drunk driver behind the wheel. Fuck! There is no steering wheel! We’re all gonna fucking die! The crack cloud in the… the ah... wherever it is… Look, the upside is the dumpster is Green!

Sure, we were drunk but it's not our fault! That is the beauty of being irresponsible, we're not responsible! Besides, that damn dumpster should have been recalled. There were no cup holders. 

What the fuck was I talking about? Oh yeah, we got free cell phones...

In the archaic past, we of the ex-domiciled persuasion couldn't afford cell phones due to all their inherent problems like; costing money, credit restrictions, and needing a home address for a plan. As if things couldn't get worse, the bone headed policymakers removed all the pay phones to stop drug deals, which worked for about 24 hours. I guess nobody in their multi-million dollar study panel explained to the bonehead policymakers that drug dealers CAN afford cell phones. Single moms can't! That's the inequality in the system! So, fix it boneheads or I'm gonna call the cops and tell them you hit me! Oh, and change the baby. I'm watching Full House.

Well, all that has changed now since the same boneheaded policymakers are giving us free cell phones and passing the costs on to the taxpayers (suckers!). That lowers the average transaction cost for narcotics by up to $744.00!¹

Horrible, wasn't it? Now, with change you can believe in, the Homeless man has been reconnected with his beloved drug dealer so he can stay out of jail this weekend while single mom is passed out in the bathroom as her precious toddler is cooing happily while setting the whole fucking house on fire! What the fuck baby?! You woke mommy up!

Hey, now she's Homeless, too. See, we can all relate to the pain and hardship of single moms, can't we?

[1] Assumes a typical 328 calls per drug transaction to "remind" the "dealer" to hurry. Yet, said "dealer" wasn't coming at all because "dealer" knows "single mom's" broke ass doesn't have any money until the fifth when she gets her child support check. So, stop calling, bitch! I'm watching Full House.

World Reviled Academics

Serious credentials require more than just an extensive criminal record and lengthy periods of incarceration, there is the commitment to maintaining a renown drug habit and the ability to show up for a job. That takes a uniquely dedicated and mythical recidivist, a hustle innovator who you won't find anywhere but asking for spare change at the finest adult bookstores and/or defiantly violating camping laws to building prolific trespass portfolios. Our scholars Consistently Consist of Consistent Consistency. (Yup, we made that last part up ourselves.)

So, without further oral gratification It's time to meet and be personally pan-handled by our World Reviled Academics found loitering around or squatting in The Homeless Academy campus buildings. Let's move along since these geni have a deadline to meet before they have to Fail to Appear for their sentencing this afternoon. After all, keeping current on continuing un-education is as overrated as everything else in “mudearn” America and this is what makes…

Graduate classes offered by Best Bum Practices

If and when they get out of fucking bed.

Not today, though. Definitely, not today.

This is a parody, but homelessness is no joke. Don’t get me wrong, there are some funny parts but they are funny for other people. Not you because you’re hungry, freezing, tired, broke, and hated for existing anywhere you are and everywhere go. If you would like to help someone trapped in this reality/finality, there are real people who need real help that can only come through real relationships with real people like you. 

Relationships are how people help other people. Programs are what machines like bureaucracies perform for their own functions (Like making itself bigger.) 

In difficult times, such as these, when our government fails to do what is right, it falls to us. Rather than wasting our time, energy, resources, and our precious patience performing political theater and arguing about WHO is right, it falls to us to DO what is right.

Please visit my other blog

Homeless University

There is nothing down here.

Dude, the bro sure ended back up there.





Way back in the other direction.

What the fuck! Are you fucking gay or some shit? Quit following me.

Unless you got some shit.

Do you?

I’ll pay you back when I get paid for this bro sure I just did... 




or you wanna trade for an Active X plug-in?