Hurray we're Fucked

Thomas Midgley Jr. is not a common household name, but it aught to be. Tom was a chemist who solved one of humanity’s pesky issues with the internal combustion engine. Knock and ping was nearly eradicated by Mr. Mingley’s innovative idea to supplement gasoline with safe cheap and effective lead. He was subsequently awarded the prestigious American Chemical Society’s Nichols Medal in 1922 for his contribution to a greatly enhanced chemical society. A few years later, a few minor issues of greatly reduced sanity, lucidity, and rationality was noted at the factory where Tom’s Ethyl gasoline was refined. Tom created one minor issue which may have lead led to the extinction of all life on Earth. Tom went on to invent chlorofluorocarbons (CFCs) to propel our deodorant and expel our ozone. The deleterious affects of CFCs went unnoticed until some 30 years, and a hole in the ozone half the size of the Atlantic Ocean, later. Bill Bryson remarked of Midgley, “[He had] an instinct for the regrettable that was almost uncanny.” You win some, mentally handicap others, and you almost lose everyone. That’s life. What the hell are you going to do?

Another scientist, whose name is equally alien to household discussions, stumbled upon Midgley’s oversight when he noted the ozone was evaporating faster than the Kardashian’s television ratings and an alarming number of terrestrial species, Kardashians most notably, were going retarded from lead gasoline additive. This researcher probably received a grant and a wall plaque before continuing on to fuck up other things someone else will have to figure out someday. That’s science. What the hell did you do?

In an attempt to restore his good name, Midgley would demonstrate how safe his lead laden hydrocarbons were by washing his hands in and huffing the gas for thirty seconds at a time. Inhalant abuse has seldom improved one's social standing, however his performance did improve the marketability of leaded gasoline for a few decades. That's hypoxia. He's turning blue.

In the golden years of Midgley’s life, chemistry’s karmic clown came a calling, and awarded Tom with a crippling case of polio. This may bring a smug smile of Gia’s retribution to both my post-modern druid and Seattle environmentalist readers. That’s misanthropy. What the hell is wrong with you?

Being the creative/ destructive being that Tom Midgley proved to be, he solved one of polios pesky paralysis issues by devising a harness, rope, and pulleys system which allowed others to get his now medal and award weighted, yet paralyzed body out of bed. Being a man of reason, Tom was woefully unaware of the finality karmic clown’s expect from their paybacks. Their motto is, “When the clown puts you down, God damn it, stay down.” That’s liable. What the hell is a Karmic clown going to do?

Before Tom could receive another award for his mechanical marionette ingenuity, the clown dropped the curtain on Tom when he became entangled in his harness and ropes which strangled him to death. Druids and environmentalists offer a standing ovation. That's ironic, and it's all true.