Men are truly simple creatures.
We come in tall or short,
fat or thin, and rich or poor.
That’s the extent of our diversity.
Don't bother looking for more.
One additional attribute
Bound to catch your eye
Is the boundless almost innumerable
Clans of "asshole” we currently occupy.
If I tried my best to hazard a guess
The Sarcastic Asshole Clan is mine
Where I have resided for a very long time
Women are a different creation, you see
When my song is sung your girl will be like
Finally a man who understands me!
Please don't take that personally.
The lyrics are an education
Learn quickly gents while the tuition is free.
There are many things a
Woman can and will be
one at a time up to twenty-three
simultaneously, maybe more.
I lose track constantly.
Count on your fingers or just nod
and smile along with me.
Here we go fasten your seat belts
tightly...
She can be
The last breath of Fall
The first hint of Spring
Awkward at times
but always a Beautiful thing.
Her voice is a perfect tenor.
the angels say, “God sent her.”
Have you heard her sing
(Yup, a beautiful thing)
She’s a cool summer shower
A hot masseuse who won't
Charge by the hour.
It's a contract deal you see
Is that seven or eight so far
It's a mystifying mystery
She’s a mom and a mistress,
A professional prom dress seamstress
She'll make an igloo a cozy place
With her tasteful knickknacks she got
at a steal shopping with Whatsherface
Her best friend for twenty years,
but her weird name always escapes.
So, it's "Whatsherface".
Now, I've lost my place, oh yeah
She's a Maytag repairman,
Sorry, Miss, repair ma'am
Do the math or a make a wild guess
You'll be wrong at what comes next.
Aw, what the hell? She changed
from a bathing beauty into an alchemist.
She'll turn lead to gold while feeding the
Baby on her breast, with absolutely no mess.
Hell, the baby and I are both impressed
When she enters the room,
She’s the girl next door
Meets Rosie the Riveter
Who won the Second World War
(While being cute)
Germans never knew what hit ‘em.
"Mine Got! It vas a whole bunch of Vimen!"She’s got the caboose and the engine
Home or office freight train
running just a little late again
She had to stop to make snowmen
in the pouring rain.
Don’t ask her to explain
There she goes again!
She’s a doctor, nurse,
And ambulance driver
A sushi chef or a
Deep sea diver.
She’s a Queen, Jack,
Or a fighter Ace.
Just give her ten minutes
She’ll fall asleep
With her head on your chest
In the morning, you made
Her hair a mess!
Hair Messing Asshole Clan
to put on her face.
An hour or so will go to waste.
(She was beautiful to begin with!)
That’s okay she can win the race
At the gym, the mall, office
or for that parking space.
Asshole Clan kind.
She’s a silent poem and
Every love song.
In an argument you’ll
Always be wrong.
(Don’t you love that?)
In the end we both win
Some tender loving and...
What was that problem again?
(It never mattered)
She’s a broker, a banker,
and a naughty boy
Bare bottom spanker.
She’ll be late on foot,
by car, or unicycle.
She’s insists she can be
late for anything...
except her menstrual cycle.
(Amen!)
She’ll get the kids to bed on time
On that you can bet your last dime.
(She wills it!)
She’s a soothing ointment
or a witches brew
At night she’ll be a fine wine
In a glass or two
So will you when it’s
Just the two of you
Dancing around the room
Like you used to do
(Why’d we ever stop?)
An hour or so will go to waste.
(She was beautiful to begin with!)
That’s okay she can win the race
At the gym, the mall, office
or for that parking space.
"Back off! It’s mine!"That's the Parking Lot
Asshole Clan kind.
She’s a silent poem and
Every love song.
In an argument you’ll
Always be wrong.
(Don’t you love that?)
In the end we both win
Some tender loving and...
What was that problem again?
(It never mattered)
She’s a broker, a banker,
and a naughty boy
Bare bottom spanker.
 |
| Ouch! |
She’ll be late on foot,
by car, or unicycle.
She’s insists she can be
late for anything...
except her menstrual cycle.
(Amen!)
She’ll get the kids to bed on time
On that you can bet your last dime.
(She wills it!)
She’s a soothing ointment
or a witches brew
At night she’ll be a fine wine
In a glass or two
So will you when it’s
Just the two of you
Dancing around the room
Like you used to do
(Why’d we ever stop?)
She’ll fall asleep
With her head on your chest
In the morning, you made
Her hair a mess!
Hair Messing Asshole Clan
is my guess.
She’s a caregiver
And a lunch order taker
An interior designer
And birthday cake baker
She’s a caregiver
And a lunch order taker
An interior designer
And birthday cake baker
She’ll plant a garden
Watch it bloom
It’s her laughter
That lights up the room
(I love you.)
She’s Mrs. Santa, a reindeer,
Or a friendly elf,
Cleopatra, Laura Croft
Or Mother Eve, herself.
Watch it bloom
It’s her laughter
That lights up the room
(I love you.)
She’s Mrs. Santa, a reindeer,
Or a friendly elf,
Cleopatra, Laura Croft
Or Mother Eve, herself.
She’s a photo finish
And the forbidden fruit
She’s the hottest model
in a photo shoot
Well, guys this song is
down to the wire.
Put it to work.
you’ll discover
I’m no liar..
We’re just simple men
Short, fat, lean, or tall
So, for the ladies let's take a
moment of pause in awe.
(Look into her eyes, dummy.)
Now, let’s give ‘em all
A HUGE round of applause!
(Keep clapping. No, seriously keep clapping.)
Keep loving them, too
That’s the best we
simple creatures can do
A goodnight to the ladies
And your simple creatures, too.
And the forbidden fruit
She’s the hottest model
in a photo shoot
Well, guys this song is
down to the wire.
Put it to work.
you’ll discover
I’m no liar..
We’re just simple men
Short, fat, lean, or tall
So, for the ladies let's take a
moment of pause in awe.
(Look into her eyes, dummy.)
Now, let’s give ‘em all
A HUGE round of applause!
(Keep clapping. No, seriously keep clapping.)
Keep loving them, too
That’s the best we
simple creatures can do
A goodnight to the ladies
And your simple creatures, too.
