Rules for Writers

1. You're never going to make money writing.

Resign yourself to this fact, and be happy. If you have a passion for the written word, you write because you love it, and it's a great way to avoid real life experiences you find unpleasant like working for a living. My methodology is using my work to support my bad habits; eating, housing, my homeless ministry, writing, and the chemical enhancement required to maintain my particular brand of mental illness. I prefer menial, mindless jobs like inventing new punctuation, housekeeping, civil service, or being Scarlett Johansson's sex slave (Yeah, let's linger here for a moment.) This allows my mind to be actively pursuing writing while getting paid. You could try selling narcotics, however you may find your writing stunted by the jail experience. I could not find enough paper on my last non-narcotic related visit, so I started using the blank back side of court paperwork with little or no regard for whose name appeared on the less interesting side. Luckily, I only spent nine months in a county jail, and I nearly bankrupted the institution by writing legal motions. Lawyers versus writers and the pen is mightier than the gavel, as well. Ah, but the true beauty of this tale is being unfettered by "professional legal standards" my legal motions were chocked-full of Muppet, Godzilla, and cartoon references. Without warning I would toss in theoretical physics, cutting edge biology, or an ancient philosopher just to remind his Honor that I maintain a vast and well rounded warehouse of obscure references in my Broken Brain. Sadly, this particular judge had very limited formal esoteric education and couldn't appreciate my hilarity and vast collection of useless facts and amazing anomalies, but I appreciate his playing anyway.

2. Never let facts get in the way of a good story.

I've always said, "I don't care if it's true or not, make it a good story", and I maintain that this inconsequential detail is the key to good creative writing. Coincidentally, it is also the key to bad accounting, government, legal testimony, marital relationships, theology, and probably a bunch of other stuff, too. None of which are germane to the topic of this document but still nicely segues me to my next rule.

3.  Omit filler material at your discretion

Enough said.

4.  Immerse yourself in the story

This is one of the most difficult aspects of writing an author must master. Characters require three-dimensional personalities and human characteristics that allow the reader to know them over time. Your revelation of these qualities must be metered in the way real relationships develop. This provides you with opportunities for shock, surprise, awe, wonder, disappointment, despair, or anything else that fleshes in the construct of your character and your story. Failure to comply with this rule immediately relegates you to the group of everyone who is Literate, but not an Author.

Remember there are a lot of bad writers out there and I just happen to be one of them... but you're improving.

5.  Draw your audience

Most people would say, "target your audience" but they are mistaken, mislead, or lying. A good author must have the ability to seduce, enchant, lure, entice, or otherwise bring the reader to their story. A brilliant author (defined as the privileged paid) will draw readers like a vortex good chocolate.

6. Know your character archetypes.

There are exactly 121 different character archetypes to choose from when building characters. Everyone you will ever encounter in your life will fit neatly into one of these categories, except for me, which is why you spend so much time trying to figure out who I am, where I came from, and just as often, what I mean.

This brings me more pleasure than you will ever know.

7. Do your own poopreading.

This will minimize the group of people who recognize you for the shallow, ignorant, scribbler that you truly are. It will not improve your marketability, but it will save you hours of shame and ridicule at the mercy of your more forward thinking and ignominy adverse peers.

8. Never write with a deadline.

You were forced to meet deadlines by unreasonable and untalented lesser hominids throughout your academic career and the best you produced under those barbarous conditions was acceptable for lining a very tolerant parakeet's cage. So, we can dispense with artificial rules and constructs that build walls where our ideas should be laid like megalithic foundations for our posterity. We are far above those silly restrictions which only apply to mere mortals. As writers, we may not really possess superpowers but, if we do a fairly good job, future generations will accept whatever we pen as gospel truth. Plato proved this when he penned a fanciful story about a sinking island powered by crystals and inhabited by ancient aliens who traveled millions of light years to teach us the advanced technology of playing with rocks or some crazy shit like that.

In my own application, I have convinced both coworkers and colleagues that I am a beautiful writer. In fact, I am a passable con-artist who has duped you, my beloved and appreciative audience, into believing that my arbitrary and subjective set of optional guidelines will make your writing as ethereal and brilliant as my own scratching of a semi-literate simpleton with far too much free time on his phone and a phenomenal vocabulary. 

In a few more generations they will write poems and sagas about me that will fill that aforementioned parakeet's cage. This is my legacy to all of you. You get what you deserve, although I always get screwed. I will expound upon this injustice in a future work entitled: Common Complaints from Mediocre Writers.  Don't hold your breath on this one. The scope and scale of content is voluminous. 

There are very few limitations to the human imagination, at least not many which I can imagine. Our lives are already limited by time, our writing should be timeless. I could go on about the tyranny of deadlines for 1,000 pages more, but I have a deadline to meet.

9. Don't beat yourself up if your greatest ideas are seldom appreciated.

That's what critics are for and they have a mortgage to pay as well. Cut them some slack and then bribe them and every publisher you can afford to return the courtesy. I don't understand the intricacies of this rule but apply a theory if it works. If the theory fails, it's just you. You're a total loser! You have been a delusion of adequacy your entire life! You couldn't write a "See Dick Run" book if your entire useless existence depended on it. Look forward to the day when someone with real talent will figure out how to recycle your DNA into a creature with a purpose. But until that eventually, just keep working the theory. If your theory stops working, write some new ones. You can do that. You're a goddamn writer!

10. Never fall into the trap of following the rules

The truly great writers were always adventurous, intrepid, and fearless. But the rest of us are just nerdy introverts that are far too lazy to remember the rules, let alone follow the damn indecipherable things.

So, you just keep on writing because that's what you love to do. After all, a life built around love can't be a total waste, can it?


...and always end the rules with a question mark.