Rating Sesame Street Characters

	The Count -  Talk about obsessive compulsive disorder, the Count is stuck in 1, 2, 3 ah-ah-ah ways: His career is limited to scenes requiring less than 4 items. His repertoire is a little repetitive. Purple is not a complexion much in demand outside of the zombie genre, but what a snappy dresser.   Still, anyone who can summon thunder and lightning at will gets kudos from me. B+
	Big Bird -  Although it has become apparent that he has been dabbling in hallucinogens lately, he's been a staple of the cast for so long that the star will remain on birds dressing room door for a long time to come. Sure, he may see imaginary creatures while hiding behind the fence, but the kids never question why. If they aren't asking embarrassing questions, BB will headline every foreseeable episode. Sadly, if there were ever a serious economic depression on the street, Bird will be the first one in seven-foot fryer. Great leg warmers!   A-
	Oscar "The Grouch" -  I may be unable to render an unbiased opinion on my favorite character on the Street. I envy Oscar, not only does he have a great location and appreciating real estate values, but he has nearly endless opportunities to make rude comments, sarcastic remarks, and be generally unpleasant to anyone he meets!  This is what I dreamed of doing for a living when I grew up. I spent hours in the garage can practicing tossing things out on the patio.  My father would yell about the mess, and my mother about my smell. But I had dreams, big dreams.  Until they all came crashing down. Jim Henson died before I could audition my trash tossing skills... Heartbreaking!  You're still the greatest green grouch on the Street.   A+
	Elmo - This "Monster come lately" doesn't do anything remotely monster-like. He doesn't toss giant foam letters into the air and shred them. He doesn't make ringing sounds at telephones, and he sure can't play the drums worth a damn. So, what gives? Being alarming cute to children and singing "Jack it, Jack it, Jack it!" should get him a 20-year sex offender's charge, but no. He's everything that is wrong with our permissive society and the loss of family values on the Street.  D-
	Kermit - For an amphibian Kermit has made it to the top of the heap. Not that summiting a pile of slimy green flesh is much to brag about, but for a species whose normal high point is to have your lower appendages served up to compliment the beer, it's not so bad. I always considered Kermie a trend setter within a decade of him introducing the term, "Hi Ho!”, it’s become a staple of the common vernacular in every double platinum album in the rap genre.   Kermit's cosmopolitan style and network news anchorman manner has kept the “powers that be” behind the Street groveling before his dressing room door for decades. He's the Walter Cronkite, Jim Morrison, Ed Sullivan mix that keeps children and adults mesmerized. Personally, I think it's time for a regime change. I'd back a coup by one of the Pipe Bangers from Fragglerock. We need a renegade at the helm. Viva la Revolution!   B-
	Snuffleupagus - Running a close second in the Imaginary Creatures category to my seven foot Wookie, Snuffy is the coolest mastodon on the Street. His being a product of pure hallucination only makes him all the more loveable. His wisdom is unequalled, and his head cold intonation adds a feeling of that childhood friend who no one else would associate with but you. The real benefit of such a chum is that if he pisses you off, you can spear him and feed him to your clan. Nothing but upside here!   A-
	Ernie and Burt - What can one say about two young men who share the same bedroom, but separate beds, except that they modeled their decorum after Dick Vandyke. Their personality types are obviously the Odd Couple, and that they share the same barbershop with Beaker from Muppet Labs. My issue is that they aren't edgy enough for my taste. I want to see Ernie joining a "motorcycle club" and Burt shacking up with a bleach blonde like his idol Sid Vicious. Gimme’ something to work with guys!  C+