This is a Test...

This is a multiple choice test

Question #1

A) You are Stupid

(Choose one)


This was only a test. Had this been a real world exercise you would have failed that test too because you took the test... Yes, there is no spoon.

Mikey's Piddle Leep... Yup, it's official.

Personal
Indemnity
Disclaimer &
Disgruntlement
Liability
Exclusion &
Exoneration
Proclamation

I, Mikey, cannot be held responsible or accountable for the actions, deeds, wording, bewildered sighs, raised eyebrows, obscene gestures, asinine antics, poor spelling, lost interest, lost personal belongings, carbon (or caribou) footprints, dead batteries, unwashed dishes, undercooked poultry products, salamander feces in the bathtub, excessive cheese molding caused by humidity in a rented room's fridge, tall tales that lead directly or indirectly to your short temper, or inappropriate behavior(s) as defined later in this PIDDLEEP*.

 *Pronounced "Piddle Leap" (pid-l leep). Failure to properly pronounce this anagram will divest you of all natural and synthetic rights, claims, or legal grounds to continue to make mouth noise at or about me, Mikey. That's very important, so remember this, and everything else, too.

<Begin noteworthy clause>

The following section has been determined to be a "Noteworthy Clause", ∆ (Delta symbol of critical importance, but currently undefined)

<End Noteworthy Clause/>

In cases which involve you or more people, verbally or in writing, digitally, violently, or by any other potential or kinetic transmission wish to express or imply anything whatsoever at this or any point in the future, you must immediately sing all verses and chorus of the song "If You See Kay" continuously until granted permission by the duly appointed moderator, hereby designated as Mikey without appeal, injunction, recursion, exclusion, or exception in perpetuity.

(Pert B-Cup breasts must be tendered here, bearer's responsibility)

We, in accordance with Congressional example, hold all truths to be suggestions that hold no force of law (like the Declaration of Independence), are purely advisory, non-binding (unless you want to take the rest of the day off), feel-good word-paste smeared across paper (or other media of transmission) in order to make you feel like you matter, you're important, you belong to something bigger than yourself, and reinforce the feeling that you are not just taking it up the ass when you pay your  taxes/ our expenses and toss your vote at the heads or tails candidate who seems most likely to deliver the hope and/or change that never materializes. (Suckers! What's the definition of insanity again?)

At your discretion, you may exercise your Right to bash yourself in the cranium with a bowling ball. If you cannot afford a bowling ball one will be provided for you, that we will charge you for later (plus interest, esoteric charges, random "other cost", and docking fees) In order to exercise this Right say, "I want to have a ball" or forever hold your breath. Failure to exercise this option now will not preclude you from exercising it later, and you will. Trust me, you will.

These and other cherished, time honored, traditions ARE the cornerstone of OUR society, civilization, and culture. Your (third person) failure to be aware of them is not an excuse. It's a cop out.

Claiming that these and other cherished, time honored, traditions are the cornerstone of OUR society, civilization, and culture does not trump YOUR cherished, time honored, traditions which are the cornerstone of YOUR society, civilization, and culture based on the merit that a lot more people agree with you merely exposes YOUR system as a manifestation of gang rule and lawlessness. Your promotion of such a social order of chaos demonstrates that you (second person) are a lower order primate incapable of making moral decisions.

We, being Mikey, can foresee the benefits of closure, then this big deal PIDDLEEP will assure us (chimpies, too) task-oriented progress. Big wins for all through Mikey. We're making forward progress towards design-driven get-it-done attitudes by implementing an open-ended practice of Mikey overlordship that is both impactful and mind-blowing. Synergistic sexual partnerships that leave momentary impacts do the right thing with Mikey's ubiquitous synergies. In order to assure that challenges evolve into environments, we must be certain that opportunities will ramp up progress on Mikey ordained objectives.

Enshrined way above the Steele of Hammurabi this day forth forever and ever and ever, etcetera, etcetera,e tcetera. So it is written, so it is done.

Thank You, Come Again!

Yup, it's official.

Praying Mantises Rule!: A Metardation

The Chaucer Tale of me Metardation

I ran into a gentleman, a most fortunate affair.
He was enjoying a hearty lunch in the village square.
He said young man I can see you're in a terrible way
I am a certified and qualified so listen to what I say.
Have you acted rashly and sometimes become mad?
And when nothing is wrong you can still feel sad?

Why yes I suppose that's true, at least once in while
The gent nodded scholarly with a sympathetic smile

Do you have work that you would avoid or never do?
Have you been cheated, abused, or lied to, tell me true?

I lowered my gaze and took in the ground or looked at my feet
This doctor read me like a song without missing a single beat

Is your mother living and is your father with her still?
Do you have brothers and sisters? How many would you kill?

No both my parents are gone, many years ago by now
Two brothers and one sis. Could I substitute Dachau?

He slurped his lobster bisque like a crudely sired knave
Would I get my diagnosis before I reached my grave?

Do you like cats? Have you ever seen floating spots?
Look at this Rorschach image. Can you connect the dots?
Are you inclined to overspend or be more miserly?
What do you think of when I say the word “bumble bee”?
Are you afraid of flying, water, or falling from great heights?
Do you believe in flying saucers or just their runway lights?
Is canned tuna your friend when packed in light motor oil?
Think of your ex-wife, and the temperature your blood begin to boil?
Ever had perverse fantasies or been molested by a poltergeist?
Did bullies beat you up or did you perpetrate the lunch money heist?

I was speechless since he left no time for me to speak
I waited for the interrogation to end or at least fall asleep

Suddenly silent my inquest and his noon meal were complete
With the empty soup bowl on his head he danced down the street…

 And screamed,

You got the brain crazies
And there is nothing you can do
I have no delusions about it
You’ve got “Rental Metardation” too!

The Grimm's Reality of me Metardation

(And no more Suessian rhyming shit)

Stop laughing!

I just took the man's advice for what it was worth, because not often do you find someone certified and qualified and willing to work pro-bono.

So, there you have it. That dark, but song-filled, day when I came, late but nearly dressed, to grips with the stark reality that the floating spots were real and real friendly. The biscuits had inched closer threatening my well proportioned sense of delusion. A bottomless pit of despair with a loose salt shaker lid. I am a basket case packed in a shipping container full of cases of baskets, adrift on a cargo ship full of containers packed with cases of baskets. I am the Field Marshall of a single service ship of fool now anchored at the dock behind Marshal Fields.

I am a Metard. I am Theee Metard.

Lord God Sir Metard Esquire to you or with a U.

It's a medium-rare, wondrous, kamikaze dive of a disorder, set in the dystopian hangover of a world we all fear and seek to escape by any means that we (and our self-reinforcing peer group) will condone, so you know the funding for a cure is nil. I wouldn't put a penny towards the research myself. I'd rather buy more looney tunes toys to cram into my belfry bat infested attic. That's where the cost-benefit analysis and the slightly disgruntled, disgruntled cookoo for coca leaves kind of being that I am said,

"Ah, the vastly meager proceeds I reap from my "Oops! I failed the brain-check" check should go to support a poor rentally metarded child-like awesome individual who lives nearby or within me. It's a charitable self-interest that Ayn Rand would appreciate Objectively."

[Spoken in a hushed whisper] The State says that they care about the Metarded, but I know the State just steal the money from someone else who actually worked for it, and then gave it to Metarded me.
Personally, I think the State suffers from poor moral character, but when they make the definitions you can always make the flippers eat hammocks bertwiddled and everyone has to swallow the Belgian taco.
[A knowing look and a C+ average nod. Normal conversational volume resumes]

Who am Metarded me to think differently? Me is.

[Internal dialogue resumes. Allegro] The lucky Mentally Retarded have it easy. The gods smiled with thick lips and droopy eyelids at the standard garden variety football helmet wearing non-athletes because there is strength in numbers, they just don’t know it, but there is strength in numbers, it's just an unrealized potential. They could rule their special ed class if they all rushed, limped, shuffled, incontinenced, and rolled the "normal" at once.

Rental Metardation is hell in comparison to our (my) soup drooling brethren. Sure, we (me) may learn things very quickly, but then we (all of  me) do stuff with that acquired knowledge which no sane, well adjusted retard would attempt. Allow me to illustrate...

Purple is my angry color!





I'm an author, so let's stick with verbL illustrations or maybe just words and stuff.

FREELANCE SAFETY CRIER: “Hark, look out for that loose board in the floor!”

RETARDED KID: “OK” then he walks around it.

METARDED ME: “Yeah, and if you step on it just right it will make a sound like that tortured elephant creature effect in the Iron Butterfly song In-a-godda-da-vidda (which I thought was Fleetwood Mac's Tusk because I mixed it into In-a…fuck! I'm not typing all that again...) or l might break my metarded ankle. Roll the bones!”

Yup, Metarded.

Pray for on to me  -ing mantises rule!

More Metardations forthcoming, me tards.

The shaman said...

"...Your  power animal is the beaver. "

I thought, "Beaver!?  Man, I'm never going to a discount shaman place again."

That stupid cut-rate shaman didn't explain it right.