HTB Chronicills - Harold's Revolution

Yes, HTB, Harold the Bum is back for an encore (and to pay some fines) It's a limited engagement, so order tickets now. Operators are standing by, have credit cards ready.

Harold was mired up to the height of his most recent abscess in a bona fide body revolt. He had spent most of his life being revolting to others, and now some woman named Karma was being a fucking bitch about the whole thing.

Unfair, if you ask me, but I'm just the narrator. The narrator never gets a chance to answer any questions the reader might have, which is also unfair. It just goes to show you how things are rigged against a disembodied, mystical voice that knows all and sees all. I mean really, have you ever considered...

What? Oh, yes...

Sorry, I was merely pointing out how...

Yes, of course I want to keep my job. I don't think you appreciate how difficult it is to stay working ex corpus. I  mean really ,have you ever considered... 

Sorry. Really. Sorry. (Narrator clears his imaginary throat and then continues to navigate the thinning ice of his employability.)

Harold's revolution had begun as most juntas do with a minor incident. Nothing to be concerned about, like a few thousand irate and heavily armed Bolsheviks knocking on your Winter Palace gate. Predictably, the timing of Harold's insurrection was inconvenient, like Maximilien de Robespierre rolling out a new, more humane method of execution when it was time to cut the cake.

The uprising commenced at the crack of wake up time early this much later afternoon with a prelude, just a couple of cramping fingers. Yes, Harold's heralds of  revolution came in the misshapen form of both middle fingers fully, painfully, and nearly hyper-extended while the rest curled into an excruciating pair of filth encrusted hibernating claws.

(Ab) Normally, Harold would have dispatched such a challenge by wildly and repeatedly impaling himself with a blunt hypodermic filled with "clean up breakfast". The difficulty in implementing this garbage variety impaling was, of course, the two erect digits he had at his disposal.

Harold consulted with both brain cells and after a prolonged debate which consisted of grunting and flatulence this Triumvirate decided to divine the will of the gods via Rock, Paper, Scissors, and Laser Beam.

Harold won because the extended middle finger ("the laser beam") cuts through everything. The brain cells mysteriously failed to pick up on this in the best three out of five rounds. The final determination was that Harold's fingers/ laser beams would be used like chopsticks. It was the best Harold could do with the brain cell brothers excusing themselves so often to register the SEARING PAIN of cramping fingers which sent Harold staggering away in pitiful fits of tearful whimpering. The whole scene was quite pathetic really, and the cells were moved to register more SEARING PAIN simply to excuse themselves from having to watch. It was a negative feedback loop that results in the kind of gridlock which happens in any parliament, congress, committee, every other legislative body known to man since some idiot asked Samuel to put a king over us, and in choosing a wedding dress.

There is deep wisdom here, but Harold and his brain-bone failed to notice the deafening angelic choir singing in a blinding halo of illumination over head.

Brain Cell #1: Did you hear that? Tell me one of you did. 

Harold and Brain Cell #2 (in unison): Hear what? 

Brain Cell #1 (after a momentary pause): Fuck! Never mind...

Like most Americans trying to operate chopsticks, Harold mis-manipulated the dull, bent needle into vein striking position. This was according to the plan. The over simplified and ill conceived "Russian roulette with a bolt action rifle" of a plan. Predictability, what transpired was Harold sliced his thigh, elbow himself directly in the nuts, while simultaneously launching the hypodermic over the rocks beneath the bridge and into one of those wormhole things from which nothing ever returns. This result was oddly absent from the plan.

Weird.

It was now a scant eleven minutes into the early just before night time and forces were already aligning themselves against Harold and his brain trust. He could sense the treasonous unrest stirring like the vapor rising from the sulfurous bile gurgling, churning, and oozing about its business in his stomach. Soon enough, he would have to face both.

He had time enough to consider what had brought him to this dilemma. Admittedly, he had contributed to his bodily rebellion. Yes, he had played some negligible role in the whole sordid affair. He had plenty of sleep last week, ate a proper meal within the past, and washed a mouthful of multivitamins down with a swig of mouthwash just a few days before the prolonged blackout that eluded his critically fragmented hard drive.

The amnesia was probably for the best anyway, the prosecutor would fill in the blanks at his next arraignment. Half of the fun was trying to manufacture an equally preposterous explanation for his bizarre, abhorrent, and completely irreconcilable behavior. It was a great game he and the lady prosecutor played, like a fast paced form of impromptu speed dating for hook-ups. It didn't matter if he successfully confused or convince her with his "genofeces" (self-replicating spontaneous bullshit), he would surely be fucked by her that very night. It was foreplay, kind of.. Okay, "oneplay" since she was oblivious to the game Harold had made of their regular dalliances.

What? It's just a game. Give me, (I mean "Harold") a break! She's the only woman he knows who wears heels that isn't a practicing or recovering (yeah, right) hooker!  I mean really, have you ever considered...  

What? 

Sorry. It won't happen again... (beads of fictional sweat forming upon his non-corporeal brow, the narrator continues sheepishly)

Anyways, getting back to the over indulging of Harold's body which predicated this unwashed tumorous mass fighting back. In retrospect, Harold had been far too easy on himself recently, and the ignorant proletariat being bag had the wherewithal to rise up against its sovereign bum.

Harold's nasal septum* had declared itself a "International Workers Paradise", then set off to hunt down and execute the two remaining brain cells hiding in the dark, dank hollows of his head for promoting anti-revolutionary ideas and other such nonsense. However, the septum was distracted from its ideological cleansing by the hyoid bone** which had foolishly proclaimed itself a "National Workers Paradises" and marched off to execute the same elitists brain cells. Both paradises clashed over some minor difference of ideology which neither understood and were immediately basked in the warm crimson hue of worker's blood.

The next brush fire of unrest Harold had to quell came from his feet, which in a drunken orgy of defiance declared independence from Harold's despotic (yet delinquent) rule. "Fraternity and Equality" was their podiatric patriotic motto.

As with all who tried to fill The Bum's shoe (singular, lace not included) they quickly fell into anarchy. Feet are a decidedly egalitarian appendage, thus requiring that both the top and bottom of each foot bear Harold's weight equally by alternating with each step. Harold wouldn't have minded so much if only his ankles would throw off their bourgeois chains and swivel a full 180 degrees. Harold looked down at his feet running amok and longed for the good day when he sported a stout pair of flippers. 

That had been another coup d'etat Harold had suffered at the inept, loathsome, idle hands of that drunken buffoon, Warren. His brother had obviously stolen the flippers and traded them for a (way short) twenty bag of dope. Oh, Warren denied it as always, but Harold was certain his brother had been the culprit because Harold had been the one who traded the ill gotten flippers to the dope man. Consequently, that may have had a causal relationship in the missing bag mass upon delivery. Harold denied it as always. Revolutions eat their own children, except in Harold's family, where the children conveniently ate each other. There is  a philosophically Darwinian reward in consuming a sibling. It makes the whole "who mom and dad loved the most" argument moot.

Moot. That's the sound cows make. What the hell does that mean in this... Uhm... way word used?

Harold was unaware of the condition known as aphasia, which was what he was currently experiencing. The brain cells in fear of the surviving worker's mob had turned on him!

This was very nasty business, but Harold was clueless, witless, and increasingly unable to formulate a thought above the intellectual capacity of a modest salad bar.

"Bahhr. Baahhrr. Bahhrr", Harold babbled semi-contently, the remaining portion of Harold's consciousness was diligently working on evolving a bacterial flagellum so he go get something to eat. The evolutionary building process began and ended with a slimy, glistening tail of drool that never propelled anything but achieved a commendable state of partial coagulation. That's the best a bum can hope for in the barf and mumble world of...

Eh... Let's just leave it at "world". No need for socially disparaging labels.

Viva la Revolucion! 

(as soon as Harold gets his food card...)

* - Why the septum? Because Communism (International Socialism) separates two things that are the same and then pits them against one another (Rich vs. Poor, Educated vs. Uneducated, Caucasian vs. Negro, Theist vs. Atheist, Worker vs. Entrepreneur, etc.) even though they are all countrymen.

** - What the hell is a hyoid bone and why? The hyoid is the only bone in the body which is not connected to another bone. It is also essential for speach. Fascism (National Socialism) tells people (via speeches) that they are special, unique, and "Royal". We're not like them! We are us and we don't need them!

In short, Socialism (of both extremes) when taken to its logical conclusion promulgates that "if we just kill enough of the right (or left) people, we can make heaven on earth. Utopia is just over the horizon... of a huge body count."