(Everything below this line is optional.)
1. Good parenting guarantees varied results.
2. Never attempt to feed a small child anything larger than their own head.
3. Diaper changes should only be performed by Hazardous Material Disposal Certified personnel or moms.
4. The "Terrible Twos" begin around 24 months of age and last indefinitely.
5. If you never understood your parents, you're about to be enlightened.
6. More than 15 seconds of continuous silence is reason for alarm.
7. Praying for potty training is nothing to feel guilty about.
8. Girls are harder to raise, but boys are impossible.
9. Any noise making toy that your child loves will become the bane of your existence.
10. Christmas is an annual event that will seem to be quarterly.
11. Sleep is only permitted for children.
12. Yes, diapers are outrageously priced.
13. Toy departments are traps.
14. Nothing is baby-proof.
15. Remember the diaper bag!
16. An approved car-seat is four times the price, half as convenient, and only available where you aren't.
17. No, you aren't almost there yet.
18. The sex was not worth this, but you don't regret it.
19. Parents are biological cup holders.
20. Feeding only requires 9.5 square meals a day plus uneaten snacks.
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