Me Unwanted?!

I tried turning myself in on a serious camping beef (it was a bell-ringer of a  flail). Here’s how it turned out…

Hi Chief,

I know you’re a busy man, and it may have slipped your mind that this desperado is surrendering himself to the long arm of the law. I was at the park till 12:30 pm, but it started raining so I moved to conspicuously giving candy to children as a suspicious behavior outside the library.

Thanks, 

Mike

<End Message>

Actually, I had a thirty man contingent of the SWAT team lined up for the take down, but we had a few SNAFUs. First, we staged at the Starbucks, and their primary espresso machine had a malfunction. The first 17 got their drinks, but the remainder had to wait for their go-juice so they were in a bad mood. Second, they went to the Fall City library for some reason. They said that they liked the nearby river as it was more soothing to the cranky ones. And third, one of the guys got a call from his dentist, telling him that he had a free time slot so be could re-seat a loose crown. With him gone the SWAT team felt understaffed so we canceled the op.

If I can line up the resources today, including the news crews ( we’ll have a pool camera with a feed to the major stations) we can try again today. 

Or you can just flag me down. 

Sorry for the delay. 

Mark

<End Message>

SWAT? Really Chief? What, were you feeling nostalgic? SWAT is really cool to those guys with more hash marks than strips. A man of your pay grade has NSA, Blackwater security squads, Cruise Missiles, Predator Drones, and SEAL teams (Now with New & Improved chopper maintenance) at your fingertips on your Android phone.*

 The kind of stuff that would appear to bystanders like the wrath of the Old Testament God, or maneuvering Danger Close to a B-52 strike.

We are talking about Camping here. It’s the “New Terrorism” (you can use that quote) If we don’t take this threat to our community seriously, what next? Public Barbecues, Unlicensed water crafting? Reckless swimming after eating without waiting 30 minutes? Anarchy and spilled potato salad in the streets! Havoc!

 But the real issue here is…

“Did the officer with the crown work have to pay anything out of pocket?” Frickin’ dental plans! [Expletive Deleted] Put your life on the line every day and then hit you for half a weeks pay. Thin Blue Line … More like protect their bottom line...

[Rant fades into the distance as you lose interest and move on to some…SERIOUS LAW ENFORCEMENT E-MAILS]

 Oh… let’s see what’s on sale at Cabelas!

 *Access Google Play Store and search the LAWFUL ASSASSINATION apps category

 Sent from an Predator Death Cyborg  enabled Android phone.

<End Message>

I will be out of the office until October 10th, 2013. Call our main line at 206.555.5555 if you need assistance prior to my return.

I will respond to your requests when I return, unless it’s Mike.

Thank you (unless you’re Mike),

Mark