HTB Chronicills - Bum to the Sun

Harold rolled into his diggle bin (a clothing donation bin) shaped command module. Finally, Harold felt he was getting the recognition he deserved.

Not only was this his own space program, but the very first space program headed up by what the Valley Review called,

"...a blight to every level of humanity from local to global, and now intrastellar."  

And the North Bend City Council passed a nonbinding resolution declaring,

"We hereby resolve that Harold the Bum is a degenerate idiot man-child whose only qualifications are for public assistance programs. Furthermore, we feel that this perplexing space program is only encouraging Harold's rambunctious behavior, and bringing drug addicts from Seattle.  However, we welcome all Harold the Bum and Bum to the Sun related  tourism, and invite you to try the new Bum to the Sun Sundae at North Bend's Dairy Phlegm !

Unanimously Resolved this 23 Day of February, 2014.

North Bend... Easy to Find, but Hard to Swallow

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The Seattle Post-Intelligencer even paid homage to Harold in a Letter from the Editor,

"Those who supported the Bum to the Sun (B2Sun) Space Program ballot initiative were defrauded, bamboozled, and outright lied to by the author of the initiative, Harold the Bum. At a cost of $800 Billion dollars to the Washington taxpayer, thus requiring the shutdown of the entire public school system , health care, elderly care, and the annual Earth Day festivities. The only way to punish Harold the Bum equitably would be to fly him straight into the heart of the sun! As this is the mission plan, the Seattle P-I Supports the Initiative."

Harold couldn't get over all the nice things people had to say about him now that he was about to become a hero. Who would have though Harold would be a Global, no Interstellar blight? Harold began to choke back tears at the thought of being called "qualified” but mainly from the agony of a full bladder. In order to finance the monumental stockpiles of narcotics required for this journey, he had crossed out the BWD budget with purple crayon while none of the suits were looking.

Harold now understood that BWD means Biological Waste Disposal. Oh well, thought Harold, you live and you... learn? Learn? That can't be right. You live and... uh... oh, duh! ...these are the people in your neighborhood, your neighborhood...

Harold had partied epicly the last few days and all that booze was projecting an epic amount of pressure on his wizzer. Luckily, he had consumed nearly all the narcotics for the voyage this morning. That would take the edge off when some important component of his urinary tract ruptured around Mars or Pluto or some shit like that.

The good news was Harold had stashed a teener (1/16th of an ounce) under the flight simulator's dashboard, so that way when it wasn't a simulation he would have it.

Stuff happened and shit and then Harold saw it...the Sun! It was bright as fuck! Kinda' roundish. But definitely bright as fuck. The bright ass Sun was jiggling around and yelling, "Harold!"

"That's fucking cool!", Harold exclaimed, "the Sun must have read the papers too!" Harold waved at the bright ass wobbly Sun, and shouted, "Hi, Sun!"

In his excitement Harold let loose that epic piss, and the Sun choked and faded.

"Holy shit! I pissed the fucking Sun out!" , thought Harold. Then two pair of hands grabbed Harold in a choke hold and yanked him out of the Command Module and down on to what felt like pavement.

"Am I in trouble for pissing out the Sun?" Harold asked nervously, while trying to get his or anyone else's bearings.

"No, Harold!", shouted the furious, urine soaked sheriff wobbling their bright ass flashlights in Harold’s face.

As they cuffed and stuffed Harold for another ride to jail, Harold smiled... Even if it was all a hallucination, he still had that teener stashed under the simulator dashboard.

Quid Pro Quo guarantees made under the B2Sun ballot initiative:

1. All garage door openers that have failed to operate before or after March 31, 1987 will perform nominally.
2. The holocaust will no longer charge a fee.
3. The Belgian army will reissue those silly looking inverted flower pot  helmets used during the Hugonauts campaign.
4. Anyone who has left before the arrival of law enforcement officials will be considered "on ghoul" or "on base" and cannot be tagged out.
5. Fibromyalgia will be renamed, "Grandmawantsoxies"
6. The 1980's science fiction series Space 1999 will be re-aired until every human being acknowledges its existence in writing.
7. Flavors will only be referred to as their assumed flavors. Colors cannot be substituted for a flavor. (e.g. - "Purple drink" is henceforth "grape drink" regardless of actual flavor.)
8. In order to protect the environment, and human health it is forbidden to buy, sell, consume, distribute, manufacturer, use, ignite, pasteurize, sodomize, or take bowling any compound containing Hydrogen Dioxide (H2O).
9. The designation hot cakes, pan cakes, flap jacks, and griddle cakes will continue to be used interchangeably.
10. Japanese animation is hereby banned from Saturday morning television until they agree to a rational plot; and/or/but feature a coyote chasing a road runner in the desert using hilarious contraptions from ACME.