Bum Best Practices Module 001

Shoplifting Your Local 24-Hour Grocer

Step 1

Enter your local up all fucking night food retailer through the front door at exactly 11:20 PM.

CAUTION!
Wait for the door to automatically open! If you find yourself surrounded by shattered glass and bleeding profusely, return to step one after being released from the emergency room.

Step 2

Casually meander about the store for three to five minutes whilst spasmodically jerking and berating yourself for forgetting your backpack.

Step 3

Exit the store mumbling unintelligibly to any store employee, incoming customer, or shopping cart about urine pooling in the nonexistent automotive section of this shitty grocery store. Neither imply or express any responsibility for said urine pooling!

Step 4

Get your fucking backpack you idiot. I can't believe how fucking stupid you are!

QUICK TIP

If you don't have a backpack see: Bum Best Practices 002 “How to steal a backpack, you idiot”

(Yes, I know, after I write it.)

Step 5

Now that you have your backpack, turn your grease stained formerly white t-shirt inside out so they won't recognize you and reenter the grocery store incognito. Try to project that you're not the same spun-out shoplifter who exited minutes ago and that you are not too fucked up to remember what you came here to shoplift.

Step 6

Fail.

Step 7

Panic and casually dive headlong for the men's restroom. Flailing wildly, slam the door way too hard behind you. Relax. You're in your safe place.

Step 8

Now, freak the fuck out. Placing your ear against the door and slow your breathing to less than zero respirations per minute, listen for anyone attempting to breach your safety zone. They're out there speaking in nearly imperceptible vibrations and using creaking sounds as signals. Bastards!

Step 9

Reassure yourself, that you're okay and that no one can touch you in your safety zone. Breathe. Yes, breathe. Breathe. Wonder how long you just held your fucking breath and contemplate why is there a tampon dispenser in here. Fucking breathe. Okay, easy on the breathing, you're hyperventilating and sweating from your eyeballs.

Step 10

Look in the mirror. Realize exactly how bad an idea looking in the mirror was right about…wait for it… now. Damn! You are so obviously fucked up and everyone knows it. They're out there creaking to each other about how fucking high the shoplifter in the restroom is and laying in wait. Bastards!

Step 11

Collapse onto the toilet. Begin to  contemplate that you may, in fact, be way too high to pull this off. Abort! Abort! Abort that thought because I didn't say,  ”Simon Says”.

Step 12

Do a bellringer of a shot to calm your nerves. Now, in a minute, focus on the task at hand and consider a whole new strategy. You will, in a minute.

Step 12b

Fail.

Step 12c

Internalize that there are a shitload more steps than you thought when you initially failed to plan for this little shoplifting extravaganza. Panic!

.

Step 13

Eject! Eject! Eject! Yourself from the bathroom and run your ass off towards the door. Run! Fucking run! You're almost  there, man, almost there. Look back to make sure those creaking bastards aren't in pursuit.

Step 14

Remember that the Step 1 Caution applies while exiting the store too… fucking late.

Step 15

Have your personal injury attorney handle the lawsuit and collect $3,500 for automatic doors which do not meet Olympic sprinter safety requirements.

You got something for nothing… Mission Accomplished!

You're a real fucking bum.

Go get loaded!

Fuck yeah!

Step 15fuck

Remember that you can't cash a check without a bank account.

(Wail!)

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Fuck the fucking fuckers!

Fuck!

Go pick at the scabs off your hard earned lacerations instead.

Idiot! You lost your backpack!