Russian in the Woods (The North Bend Rap)

From all the woods around the foot of the mountain My rhymes flow down Snoqualmie like a fountain   

Part I   

I got a voice in my head

And it keeps coming out

I can't seem to shut

My big fuckin' mouth

My mother up and left me

My father split too

His final words of wisdom

Were "Hey kid, fuck you!"

So I jumped the Windy City

and hit the left coast

I brought all my friends

My friends are all ghosts

I started my own business

Building castles that's great

Until the market blew up

Back in Two thousand eight

Sometimes it gets tough

But I'm trying my best

To live the Good Book

On the best crystal meth

This is my rap for you

And this is my song

You can say I'm crazy

But you can't say I'm wrong

So now they say I'm homeless

And camping is a crime

I told the judge Stewart

Dig this rap of mine

Sometimes it's lonely

Sometimes it gets hard

I got a one bedroom tent

With a big fuckin' yard

If you have an opinion

Tell me now or just send

Care of the Russian

In the woods of North Bend

I've been out here a while

And made some new friends

So let me have a moment

To to tell you about them

There's Jessie and Tiff

That's where I'll begin

No matter where I start

It ends with heroine

There's Warren and Harold

Brothers from the start

Harold is a wizard and

Warren cleans the bark

Guy is the inspiration

And you all met him

As the feet hanging out

The local diggle bin

This is my story

And it may never end

Thanks to the Russian

In the woods of North Bend

There's Tia sheild maiden

Crashing through the trees

Wearing pink chiffon

And flailing accessories

Then there's Bobby Hill

And he's hard at work

Punching in the clock

On the face of Mike Stuart

Patrick's got a story

And he always keeps fresh

It depends upon how long he's on

(And on... and on... and on...)

Powered by crystal meth

Nancy keeps you guessing

Where she put her sack

Follow the pain pills

To help her get it back

There's Jeremy and Sarina

What a lovely pair

You can get to know her

Any change to spare?

I'm starting to fall out

So part one must end

So good night from the Russian

In the woods of North Bend

Part II

So here we go again

It's the rap that never ends

With love from the Russian

In the woods of North Bend

A moment if you please

One note before we start

I'm humbled by your love

But my rolls a minor part

You say my rappin's cool

You think I'm really smart

I'm just recording history

It's you who are the Art...

Drinks on the trail all day

Watching the cows eat grass

Dave nods to Jenett and

The cops who kicked 'er ass

My respects to Sir Scooby

His castle in the tree

The Valleys Area Fifty-One

He don't want no company

There went Earl Gray

A new victim every the hour

Chief Toner calls it theft

I call it Native Power

Here's my brother Brent

He always brings me joy

A warrior and a king wrapped

In North Dakota farm boy

Mom said "Mike, be nice"

Yeah ma, I know I should

But here comes Darnell and

There goes the neighborwood

Rog's is from Long Island

He talks like Mayor Koch

Alison draws cocks,cocks,cocks!

And rams 'em in her crotch

Hey, it's Joey Bradshaw

Going fishing on the docks

Twenty years falling timber

And the rest to polish rocks

Brett Hilkey's staying clean

Ha-Ha! Now there's a joke

Jill never bought a cigarette

But always needs a fucking smoke

Cedar takes rap to heart

And way too seriously

If you hadn't noticed yet

It's a fucking comedy 
(...and so is he)

I see you're all laughing

Because you know it's true

I hope it's still funny

When I get the rest of you

Twin peaks put you on TV

But that's a load of crap

It's my friends daily tweaks

That keep us on the map

Oh shit the bubble is empty

And look at all this mess

That's my cue to exit here

And find more crystal meth

So that wraps up part two

I hope not to offend

Signed, "Fuck you, The Russian

In the woods of North Bend."

Part III 

Annie and Rick sitting in a truck in between fights they stop to

Fuck! James took Blake's spot I see.

Ruckus has puppy PTSD.

That rhyme sucked

It couldn't get worse

So Matt Mahaffey can sing the next verse.

(silent pause)

(Take it from here my rapping North Bendnecks, post your additions in the comments)